Cleaning Out My Closet Pt. 1

This is me, de-cluttering my mind && detaching myself from the shit that wants to knock me down, bury me under, and make me a prisoner on life's terms.

To authoritative figure in my life who abused their power to try && ruin my life: BIG FUCK YOU. There are more choice words I would like to use and ways in which I would love to tell you to fuck yourself but to do so would give you the upper hand in the situation. I could care less for your shitty position in life and I can only pray that things straighten out in your life so that you can stop blaming your subordinates every time your husband spends another night with a different woman.

To the people who said they would be here forever(i.e. "friends"): if I were angry I would wish for you to fall off the face of this earth. But anger is only a secondary emotion that covers for the primary, which in my case is pain. I'm hurt by your actions and confused by your lack of a motive. Is this your idea of friendship?? You hurt me when things don't work out in your favor?? Miss me with that high school bullshit because you're only becoming another number on a long list of reasons to commit myself. I don't need you nor do I want you here if I relationship is so fragile that something so minor could shake our shit to the core. I need bold, strong, stable people in my life. And that is not you.

To my parents: next time, try a condom

To kendall hayes: you are the scum on the bottom of satan's shoe. Every negative emotion there it to feel about a person, I feel for you. I don't want you to die, as a matter of fact I hope you live a long life. And as the years go on, I hope that every woman you get involved with takes you to the edge of love's bliss and pushes you right off the cliff so when you hit the ground, your heart can shatter into invisible fragments. && then I want you to try loving someone with those little pieces and watch them shatter that too. You are not deserving of the sunshine in your eyes so may it forever rain on your parade. And you know how you always used to put me down & tell me no one would ever love me the way you do, I found somebody to do it [BIGGER && BETTER.]

To the sick fucks who rape & molest: I do hope u die, a long slow death. And if there is a hell, I hope u go there and have ur flesh peeled by the devil himself. You are not deserving of the next breaths God has graced you with but my rage won't take them away from you. So I can only rant & rave to soothe my pain.

To the innocent victims of rape & sexual assault: I shed a tear for you every day. I know its hard. I know that on most nights you wake up in a cold sweat; your heart seized with terror. These are merely symptoms that can't be controlled. But you can control your own life. Don't allow your experience to take your life & or your smile away. There's a reason you survived :)

To my Aki: in my darkest hour, you came to me with a lit soul && profound wisdom. You offered me your smile in exchange for my thoughts. Helped pick me up & put me on the road to recovery. Where other ppl failed, you succeeded. And for that I will always love you. No matter where this is headed or what happens to our future together, you will always hold a special place in my heart as the extraordinary man who pushed me to my limit and made me feel safe again. Gracias. And for as long as your are my King && I your Queen, I will always have your back & protect your position in the big game of chess that is life. 831

More Untitled Writing

Marlon Brown was a man all about action and results. Whatever he saw and wanted, he made a plan, took action, and got it. He wanted to graduate at the top of his collegiate class, so he made a four-year plan, studied hard, and made it a reality. His wife, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, was another challenge. He met her in a study group at a time when she was very uninterested men and relationships. But he wanted her. He made a plan, took action, and married her two years after that first meeting.

            Eight years later, he felt as if he had conquered it all. Started his own business, traveled the world, and had many different women were just a few of the things he had checked off of his bucket list. And now he felt burnt out. What was next for the man who had tried and done everything?

            His parents and friends said it was time for him to settle down and start a family. But he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Tara hadn’t said anything to him about it either. But then again, she hadn’t been saying too much of anything to him. Especially since the panty incident.

            Sitting in his office, he cursed himself for his carelessness. How could he have been stupid enough to sleep with Janelle in the bed he shared with his wife? He didn’t love Janelle. He didn’t love any of the women he slept around with. Tara was the only woman outside of his mother that he loved.

            Other women did not appeal to his emotions. He didn’t take them on dates or buy them nice things like he did for Tara. Tara was his heart; his one and only. On rainy days, just the thought of her chased his storm clouds away. He just had to have other women sexually. Not because she didn’t satisfy him, her love making was the cream of the crop. He couldn’t explain it; and even if he could, Tara would never understand. And that’s why he had lied to her about the panties when his heart screamed to tell her the truth. She would leave him if she ever found out about Janelle. Other women she might be able to handle, but never her sister.

            Ping! His Blackberry sounded off, notifying him of a text message. He checked it and frowned when he saw Janelle’s name.

            “We need to talk, dinner later?”

            He ignored the text message and called his secretary in over the intercom. Sharon had been his secretary since he’d started Modern Days magazine, and he started fucking her about a year after he married Tara. She didn’t really do much for him in the ways of attraction; but one night when they were both working late at the office, she just whipped his dick out and gave him one of the best blow jobs he’d ever had. Tara didn’t do oral so Sharon was more of a “filler” for his insatiable sex appetite.

            “Yes Boss?”

            “Sharon, what else is on my schedule for this afternoon?”

            “Nothing sir, remember your meeting with Schick got moved to next week Wednesday.”

            “Alright, I’m going to take the rest of the day off.” He disconnected the call and gathered his things.

            He was interested in dinner, but only with his wife. He had been neglecting her for the past few months, and he didn’t want to lose her. Despite his transgressions, he loved his wife with all of his heart. And he was intent on showing her that.

He Made the Heartbreak Worth It

When I thought I would never smile again

He picked me up and re-educated me on the joys of laughter

Taught me that the meaning of a real man

Extended far beyond good dick, conversation, and the pretend happily-ever-afters

When I thought the tears would become a perpetual event

His shoulders became my tissues

His mind was my open book to escape from the reality of my pain

And his ears became the bumpers upon which I vented my issues

When the pen decided it wouldn’t bleed for me anymore

He offered me the chance to meditate through new means

Gave me a new frame and a new utensil

And I painted a picture justifying the ends that you will never see

Hey. . .Chicken Little Said This Would Happen

I have the absolute best luck in the world. Can you feel the sarcasm oozing through the screen? To be serious about the situation though, my life is a joke. Through and through I keep coming out the loser, in every situation I'm forced to go through. But you know what, I take my L's with a big smile on my face. From my 21 years of life, I've learned that everything happens for a reason. Even in the moment where you are the happiest and you think nothing can ever possibly go wrong, there is a lesson to be learned. So yeah, every time I turn around, life is knocking me down to my knees, but I refuse to crumble so easily. These shoulders have carried the many heartbreaks of a hopeless romantic; the deaths of loved ones, and the failures of a girl who's learned how to do the shit with style; so sorry life, but you won't be claiming me as one of the lost souls. You can throw every curveball you have. Tear down every bridge I've built to connect with the people closest to me. Take away the things that matter the most and I will still be standing here. I ain't leaving until I my heart stops. And you can bet that when the smoke clears and I've finally succeeded, I'll stand tall (in my stilettos) and tell all of you who left me hanging in the balance to suck on something unhealthy and have a nice life.